On Deleting Friendships

Too bad memories, stays in mind and not the heart where we want it to be.. So does a song goes. It's really hard to let go of memories that we don't want to remember. Most especially if the memories revolves around one person, one person whom you valued most and you really cared for. How I wish I can have a device which would allow me to delete a portion of my memory and go on as if nothing happens. That would be improbable, for now.

I've been deleting friendships recently. As of the moment, I learned my piece. And with that I stand on my principles. I now know how to choose friends, I mean real friends. People whom I can share my sorrows, my pains, my past, and would understand and not take advantage of what they know about me.

One thing is clear. It hurts me so much to experience harm from my so called friends. It's disappointing for me because I choose them because I trusted them, not because I know that they won't hurt me. They will, and they won't stop. But the hurt is different when it comes from a person who is least expected, at least on my part, to hurt me. That for me is very painful. I can delete you in my memory, though hard but I will, I should.

Well I just realized that I've been bringing this backpack from home to office, then field, office and home again. Only to find out that the back pack is just filled with non-sense craps. Now is the right time to unload. To let them go and allow new things to get inside my baggage. With that I won't be carrying much load and would be bringing the things that I need most.

On deleting friendships; It hurts deep but I won't hesitate. I won't.

The Merchant Meets the Beer Man

Just this morning as I was in the outlet transacting orders, I was able to see this old man. Like me he was also a salesman. This man is poor and indecently dressed. This old man sells sweet potatoes. Walking in a very slow pace he approached the owner of the restaurant who happens to be my client. I was paused and I just looked at him. I saw in his eyes the desire to market his goods. He was very old, but he was able to carry those crops.

Again he motioned to the owner and told her to buy some sweet potatoes. The restaurant owner told me that she is not interested in buying and eating sweet potatoes. Out of her generosity and kindness, she just buy those things simply to help the old man. The lady left to take some money to pay for the old merchant and for me, the merchant of beers...

The old man told me his undertakings in life. He went to school but he failed all of his subjects and was not able to graduate. He did not have a decent and stable job but he was able to send his children to school. Yes they finished their education. That was just the dream of the old man, to see his children have the proper education which he was not able to attain. He was disappointed though to see them getting married earlier that expected and soon left him all by himself.

The restaurant owner returned and gave the payment to that old man and to me. I received thousands he received a hundred. Quite a difference. After printing the receipts I left the restaurant and went to the nearby outlet, again transacted business. The old man arrived in that same place. I went into my car then we never saw each other again.

In this life we all have our own problems, our own undertakings and our own fate. Both of us were sales man. He sells crops and I sell beers. God is indeed fair, though there are things that I do not have but the old man possesses and things that he doesn't have that I own. One thing is clear about this experience, that I should be thankful because I have this job, I have this company, and I have customers who are willing to do business with me. And I should show it with a heart that is filled with gratitude. That I make myself as an instrument of showing how the grace of God flows in me so others would know how bless they are.

Lemonades Out of Lemons

At some point in our life we reach at a certain level of certainty, that indeed life gives limits. And these limitations comes in different forms and often in a very unpredictable manner. These differences and its unpredictability gives lemons in our sores.

Lemon is impossible to eat, so does an old song says. And so it is in my life. This time I had a lot of lemon that is giving me so much pain and sourness in this existence. I call this chapter of my life as existential catastrophe. I posted this two words as my facebook 'what's on your mind' and a 'previous' friend asked about the meaning of this. Lemons. It simply means lemons in my existence.

These days I feel so alone. So helpless. And in so dire need of a friend. I had a lot of acquaintances. They call me friend but I don't consider them to be one. Until I met this person who really showed me what friendship really is. We were open to each other. We know every single detail of our lives. We shared stories and we share a lot of things in common. It was great. The experience of friendship.

During those moments I was happy that finally I found a friend. The ideal friend that one can read on books, magazines. The friend described on songs. A friend you can see on movies. One who taps your shoulder and would say it's alright. One who would spend time when you're lonely and would simply want a company. And best of all, one who still believes in yo while every one else doesn't. That was our friendship. And we both invested on that relationship bank account.

We had a misunderstanding. We talked. We reconciled. But our friendship was tainted. It's becoming sour, sour as the lemons. A bunch of lemons squeezed on a sore. Giving so much pain and anguish. And yes I allowed it to happen. With the feeling of hope I made every effort I could to restore that friendship. Yet every part of that effort failed.

I realized that those efforts were just efforts of squeezing more lemons on a wounded heart. And yes I should stop. Indeed I stopped. I stopped everything. I stopped seeing him, I stopped communicating, he made efforts to keep in touch though but again it was squeezing more lemons. So I stopped. Everything. In an instant. It was hard. I cried. I cried so hard. I spent sleepless nights. I spent hours of loneliness. It was just different. Incomplete.

With those times of loneliness I had this realization. That I have this opportunity to make lemonades out of lemons. With it, I was able to focus on my job. Give the best out of me for a goal. Meet old acquaintances which was left behind for a time. Spend time with my family, home and office. It was hard. I still feel the pain of losing somebody close. But I can't do anything about it. I can't continue squeezing that lemon.

For days I was alone. We both reached this far and I was left alone. Sad though but I have to move. And at last the sourness of that lemon was sweetened by the people surrounding me and the events taking place around me. And what a great taste it was, to sip on a lemonade made out of one's lemons in life.

To that friend I thank you for being a part of my existence. It was a nice phenomenon of friendship, unfortunately not lasting but simply to be experienced.

Yes I still taste a little bit of sourness of that lemonade but as they say it's the essence of our existence.