Life has always been challenging me.. Yet amidst those challenges, I stood up and proved that I can do it. Yet God allows certain events in my life to constantly remind of the value of humility. It was during my prime years in my current pharmaceutical company that I experienced triumphs and successes in my entire career as a pharmaceutical representative. I took awards most coveted by medical representatives. I withstood all of them when it comes to total sales in peso value.. Yet I still feel incomplete.
I know a lot of people get envious. Not to brag my name but they always tell me how fortunate I am to have this kind of job. A job that gives me more than enough of what I need. They see me driving a car, stunningly dressed in long sleeves and slacks, having a decent house, someone who can buy whatever he wants, can travel to different places, joined a company that can take me abroad and experience a life in luxury at least for a 5 day annual convention a year... They see me with them. And I feel grateful to the Lord that these gifts are given to me...
They just see the externalities of me. They haven't seen the reality that I have to pay for my housing amortization that cover half of my monthly take home pay. Then pay the bills, electricity, internet, water, cellphone and so much more. not to mention the chains of having a credit card. All of these are skeletons hidden in my closet. Yet I still wondered how did I manage to survive. With every income that gets into my pocket, all the more will I pick out on my other pocket. You see expenses do come and go and the more that I earn, the more I spend.
I really do not have that mentality of saving money. They see me living a decent life but I can really vouch that somebody who's envious of my life gets a lot more in his passbooks than mine. I do not have a savings. I have a bank account though, but it seldom gets deposits.. more on withdrawals. And still I ask myself.. Is this still the life that I want to live up to the next 10 or 20 years? You should congratulate me, I paid 6 years straight, without any arrears, my housing loan. That would give me 19 more years left to finally pay my housing amortization. I would be 50 years old by that time. Sick enough to take a rest in this house and sick enough to allocate the house payments to cover for my medications.
Yet the question still bothers. Is this what life has to offer? I don't know. I still live one day at a time. I do save a little, I have my life insurance, though not that big premium, but enough to cover an entire chemotherapy if i get cancer, which i pray to God no. I still do dream of the seminary. The community life, The life of a religious. I think that is really my direction in life. I don't dream of having a family, kids and a wife.. no not really. I just want to live a decent life. I have my own house, I can buy the food that I want, pay my hospital bills, and live a comfortable life. I don't know if I can get this. I pray.