Pagaantay

A succeding poem of the Trilogy of Love

Kailan kaya darating ang panahon na aking inaantay?
Nais ko sanang ito'y dumating ng matiwasay.
Sa pagdating nito sana ang puso ko ay handa,
sa kung ano mang dulot na aking ikabibigla.

Nakatingin ang isip sa lalim ng himpapawid,
Nakabaon ang pangarap sa siksik na panganib.
Takot ang puso sa hatid ng panahon,
subalit sabik na malaman kung saan tayo pagka laon.

Huwag akong mangako sa iyo ng walang hanggan,
dahil alam mo na di ako masusuklian.
Di ako pwede magmahal ng lubusan,
pagkat ako'y di nais, sarili mo'y di mo pa nalalaman.

Pag isipan at suriin mo sana ng mabuti,
ang iyong isip at puso para ating ma wari.
Sa puso mo, alam ko, ako ang nilalaman
pero sana naman, kahit sa akin, ito'y iyong mapanindigan.

Nahihirapan ang aking puso at damdamin,
habang nagpapatuloy tayo'y, isip ko'y dapat na itong tapusin.
Bulong ng isipan dapat ka nang lisanin,
Panahon lamang ang may alam, at sa ati'y nakatingin.

Pinakaaantay na panahon ay baka biglang dumating,
handa ba ako sa hatid nitong kaligayahan o hiling
Ligaya na ako'y ibigin, tanggapin at mahalin,
o ihiling na tapusin ang kahibangan ng mga damdamin.

Changes

If you don't hear anything from me then you might be part of the people whom i don't want to communicate with.. i am making changes in my life. Changes that will drastically change the way I view my self as well as others would do for me.. I think I should do this. i believe I must. A lot of people had already felt the pain I brought. A couple of relationships went on the rocks.. And a lot would try to insist that they can help even if they cannot...

They can't help me, I mean us. They just don't know what I've been through just to reach this certain level of enlightenment, of acceptance and of love... The certainty of being enlightened by the reality that was shown.. the enlightenment that there is indeed no harm in being true to your self.

Accepting how these changes would affect me endures pain. it hurts me to know that when I reveal that dark side of me, no one would dare to accept me. But I just remained firm in my understanding that no one would accept me unless I start accepting this phenomenon. Changes entails acceptance and with that others must also accept that I hurt them and I caused to break relationships... Now what else can you do... You always try to reach out to me. Can't you read the thought between the lines.

Loving... It doesn't simply end there. I must embrace this acceptance by showing to others how much I value my self or simply to say -how much I love my self. Then they would start loving me... The thing about this is that I still have this great desire to be loved. Indeed love is the best feeling I have.. and in the same manner the most painful. but still I endured the pain. I managed to continue loving even if he simply doesn't care.

So much for that. I retire.

Relationship Stirred

All the while i thought that we would be living discreetly together.. We are aware of the reality that what we are doing is against the norms of society. thus we live in such a discreet manner. i felt love, i felt happiness like never before. It feels so good to remember our moments of love, our moments of intimacy and affection. How I wish i could spend the rest of my life doing it with you. Making love, caressing, and hugging you.
We allowed it to happen. We wanted it to happen. We do it out of our own accord. I must admit that I did it out of my love for you. It surprises me to know that for you it was just nothing. It was merely a game, a game played over with temptation, lust, and hedonism. Pleasure that was simply your idea about it. As for me, I did it out of love. I did it because I care for you and I want to spend the rest of my life loving you.
Sometimes I think that even rainbows have their ends. And what I fear most just happened at once. I felt really ashamed of my self when I heard about the things that happened lately. This stirred up our discrete relationship. Our secrets of intimacy and affections. This threatened my mere presence on you. And this might lead us to separation, the thing i fear most. I must admit that when that person left you, I felt happy that somehow in this battle I won. I fought for you and now I have you all by myself. For my personal consumption, no other person would take you away from me.
Not until secrets have been revealed that my happiness was turned into anguish, embarrassment, and fear. I anguish for the fact that with this things happening, I might lose you. I am embarrassed because of the discoveries they found revealing the private life we had together. I fear for the outcome of this what would be the result of our silence, and what would they reveal again to destroy our relationship.
One thing I must confess, after having these events I came to a point of leaving you. I reached to a certain level of certainty that when I leave you and the part of a chapter of my life, things would go well. Yet when I heard you asking me if even I would leave you... those certainties turned out to be wrong. I shouldn't have let that cowardice corrupt my mind. In the silence of my heart I sincerely apologize for entertaining those thoughts. This I promise you... In this time that you need me most you will have me and I won't leave you...

Sharing

Christian Life Program

Sharing for Talk no. 2

Daniel Angelo M. Lao

It is an honor for me to be chosen as sharer for this morning. It is my prayer that somehow you will gain something from my sharing.

I grew up as an ordinary kid, I have my parents with me, they were able to send me to private schools, I have enough allowance and they can also provide me with what a kid usually needs. It was during High School that certain changes happened in my family. My mom and dad were having disagreements all the time. They always argue even on the simplest decisions we need as a family. As a teenager I was caught in a dilemma I did not know what to do; how I should respond, and where will this problem lead us.

During those turbulent times in my life, I did not have anybody to whom I could cling on. But Jesus showed me a different way of looking to life. And the life he showed me is a life of service. I was invited to join the search-in of the Redemptorist Fathers. Since I was a child I really dreamed of becoming a priest. Without any hesitations I said yes to His invitation. I told my parents about this and they were incensed to hear my plans. Both of my parents were very anxious how my life would be if I leave. Eventually they allowed me to enter the seminary. I left my family. I left those problems and surrendered it to God.

Entering the seminary was a big sacrifice for me. I only had one thing in mind, to become a priest, nothing more nothing less. Yet it was not that easy to become one. It was during my seminary years that I get to know Jesus deeper and my relationship to Him became personal. Jesus revealed to me through this passage from the Gospel of Luke. The spirit of the Lord is upon me, He has anointed me to preach the Good News to the poor and the brokenhearted, liberty to captives, and sight for the blind. He revealed to me as the Christ for the poor and the most abandoned. Brothers and sisters, I offered my life to Him as an instrument of service; that my mission is to bring Christ’s plentiful redemption, that he is a God of second chances and a God who always accepts us no matter how sinful we are if we are open for genuine healing and confession.

Because of this brothers and sisters I accepted every task my formator would give me. If there was a need for a missionary in certain places, I was always open for service. Though I complained yet I was there preaching Christ’s fullness of redemption. I became an itinerant missionary, itinerant meaning homeless missionary. We get our shelter and basic needs in the people of our missionary area. I went into rural areas where I was militarily harassed and was suspected as a member of the New People’s Army, I was also part of organizations that fought against oppression, demolitions, and injustices to the poor. I spearheaded the campaign for solidarity of seminarians to fight injustices. We were conducting tutorials for the Badjao children in Cebu, and comforted the lepers who were kept in the infirmary without knowing that there are still people who care for them.

You know brothers and sisters, when we serve Jesus blessings would really come into our lives. I finished my college with honors, and I gained a lot of wonderful learning experiences from those missionary activities. Amidst all those things brothers and sisters, becoming a priest is not an easy task. It does not entail only your desire but it entails grace from God. During my fifth year in the seminary, I decided to take a short leave, away from the comforts of the religious life and into the realm of the real world. It was one of the most difficult struggles that I underwent. I even received criticisms and disappointments from my friends as to why I left the seminary. For over a year, I did not visit the Redemptorists because I felt that I became a disappointment for them. Yet God was still very good to me because he gave me a good job as a medical representative. Everything went well, until my parents separated.

It took me a long time to understand why these things are happening to me. I offered to Him years of my life, years where I should enjoy the youth in me. I was asking why. I instantly became the bred winner of the family. I forgot everything about spirituality and focused more of my time at work. For a time I failed to acknowledge Him as my God. I was so engrossed with philosophical reasons and absurdities of life that made me think of His inexistence. Yet Jesus is still persevering. He always finds a way for me to be back in His arms.

It was through a persevering sister did God showed his endless perseverance. I was invited by sister Triccie to be a part of this community, the Ang Lingkod ng Panginoon. I did not join, simply because I am not open to it. After another year she again invited me, she lured me with a free lunch and she even offered to pick me up from home. So I decided to join. And indeed the community was great. The brothers and sisters in this community showed me a different perspective of service. I met brothers who shared the same struggles as I do and is willing to listen and offer help if I needed one. I found new friends who showed me how to live a Christian life in this different context. My life started to change and I began to understand why things happen not in concordance to my desires, I accepted the things that I cannot change, and I worked to change the things that I can.

I know that I am still young in this community. But I am very much willing to offer another part of my life to serve this community and to serve our brothers and sisters. And still will I continue to say this… “The spirit of the Lord is upon me, He has anointed me to preach the Good News to the poor and the brokenhearted, liberty to captives, and sight for the blind.”

Semper Fidelis..! Sa Kanunay Dalaygon ang Diyos.

What would I say..? (My Birthday Message)

Hmmmmm... What would i say..? This would be my first words to say in this blog. Today is my birthday. I am 24. These are the things that I would like to specially mention; the significant events while I was 23.

1. My appendix was taken; 7 days no food and water, 3 weeks no work, and a slash on my tummy. Thankfully it wasn't that life threatening.

2. I joined the Ang Lingkod ng Panginoon. I met new friends, I met people with different religious points of view, I met people who made me feel special and who made me see God in a different paradigm.

3. I left GX Intl.; hard as it may but I have to move out of GX Intl. This company taught me a lot, and gave me a chance, a break in exposing myself to the corporate world. I had good friends with GX and I felt sad when I decided to leave. But I have to move into another stage.

4. Proud to Be with SMB. I applied and was hired by San Miguel Brewery Inc. they claim to be the employer of choice, yes they have their say in that matter. This time it's another culture, a different way of transacting sales, and a different attempt to understand and live with this culture.

5. I continue to live happily with my family, friends, and my new found God. I believe that indeed He has so many ways in showing me how much He loved me. I was non-receptive, I did not respond. But He is the God of second chances, the God who is persevering, the God that is faithful and true to His words.

With all these events that took place while I was 23, I thank the Lord for being always there for me. I thank the people who is always at my side when I needed a friend to cling on, you know who you are. More years to come. And let's drink to life!

Stream of Consciousness

I was about to cross in this very busy avenue. On a rush hour where everybody was moving so fast people had nothing in mind but to catch a jeepney and head for home. I was one of them. I hurriedly went into my car so I can find rest, away from the noise and inside the comfort of my home. I waited for the traffic light to turn green. I waited and stood there silently. I looked at the people around, the cars moving fast, the jeepneys trying to get more passengers, street vendors and other phenomenon taking place along that avenue. And I realized I was one of them.

I stopped and detached my self from that world. And I was able to realize something. The stream of consciousness. I was looking at the cars passing and thought of it as the stream of consciousness. The cars were like a stream. I looked at them and made a great reflection as to what has been happening in my life at present.

Before I was that person. The person who just stood and looked at how the stream of consciousness flow in front of me. Just taking a look at them, without any response, without any reflection. Simply detached. Then there are these people who would attempt to take me out of that detachment, yet I did not allow them. I remained firm. Standing and just looking. When you are in front of this stream of consciousness you would be given the two great opportunities one is to remain observant, look and observe then do what you want in accordance to your personal will, without allowing anybody from the stream to influence you. Another is to follow the stream, and let the stream take you wherever it wants you to be. It might end up happily sometimes in pain.

That remains to be one's choice. I chose to be observant of that stream, but along the stream somebody took me and led me into a place where a promise of fulfillment was given. Yes I chose to follow, to let the stream take me wherever it goes. Some ended up happily, I ended up in pain. I regret why I chose to follow, now I remain observant, vigilant, and cautious. The stream is inviting to follow again, I don't know what to choose.

The light turned green. I woke up in realizations along that avenue. The people hurriedly crossed the street. I looked at them choosing their paths, observing or following the stream. Me. I remain standing. Careful. Strong. This time I won't allow anybody from the stream to take me again. I would do anything under my own accord. I would still choose, in the future, to follow that stream but by the next time I would choose it, I won't let it take me into pain, for I know how it hurts. And I learned it the hard way.