Phenomenology of Loneliness

My final paper in Philosophical Psychology.

There is a man standing among huge crowds. He does not know the person he is with. The crowd is very happy with the entertainment given to them and he is also happy about it. He felt happiness but deep within he feels lonely. He is alone though he is in a crowd. He feels rejection, he is looking for meaning in his life, he has just broken a relationship, and now he is flying away from insight. He feels he is alone, though he is in a crowd…

This term paper utilizes a philosophical approach in viewing loneliness. Mainly this paper answers the questions: What is loneliness?, What are the factors that contribute to loneliness?, who experiences loneliness?, how does one feel when one is lonely?, why does man experiences loneliness?, and how does he overcome loneliness? The author also uses concrete approaches to further explain and expose his phenomenology of loneliness.

The Random House unabridged dictionary, defines loneliness as a state of being lone; solitary; without company or companionless. It goes on to say that loneliness is a state of being destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship. In my own reflection, this definition is not enough to explain the term loneliness. As this paper progresses, it will try to find out the deeper and more comprehensive meaning of the word loneliness. Before proceeding, however, let us first answer the question: Who experiences loneliness?

Loneliness as a state of being alone can be experienced by every animal, either brute or man. We can observe that when a puppy is taken away from its mother the puppy becomes lonely. It does not want to eat or play, and we spend sleepless nights because of its loud cries. It is the same with the mother. The mother feels the same loneliness. It misses its baby and cries all night long. In the case of brutes, loneliness is quickly overcome. But this is not the case with human beings. Overcoming loneliness is a much more difficult task. This is because man is not only rational but also emotional in nature.

Man is an animal with reason and emotion. Man has a great need to feel loved and to be an instrument of love. I believe this is the main factor why man experiences loneliness. Man is an animal that cannot exist by himself alone. In the words of Gabriel Marcel, the ‘thou’ exists for me and I exist for the ‘thou’ and we exist for each other to the same degree. A man’s entire life is a proof of this. The famous movie ‘Cast Away’ is a great example.

A man spends years on an island all by himself. He searches for a companion, a friend, but nobody is there. He is all alone. Then he finds a ball on which he paints the face of a man. This is the ‘man’ with whom he talks. Throughout the movie, the theme persists: the nature of man as one of communion. The English metaphysical poet argued when he wrote: no man is an island. Truly no man can live alone, all by himself. Man is a social being. He needs to be with somebody with whom he can share. Maybe a pet or a co-human being, but he must be in communion with other social beings.

When one is in communion with another being, he is trying to create a bond between them that cannot be sundered by trials and/or time. For the instant a relationship fails to grow and develop, the man who offers himself feels lonely. Something within him is missing. I would like to share my concrete experiences of this. Some years back I had a girlfriend who made me feel inspired and happy. Finally I had somebody with whom I was in communion with. I finally found the one that I thought would last forever. I had found the perfect partner for the rest of my life. We were so happy in the presence of each other. I could say that my existence was really authentic when I was with her. She was the most perfect person that I had ever been with. And then one day we decided to break up. Our relationship no longer worked. I could not figure out why, and then I felt lonely. Many sleepless nights I lay, thinking of her, of our times together; the joy, laughter. Such beautiful experiences and memories! I found life miserable then and maybe she did too.

Why do I give this example? This is my attempt to explain further the first factor that I consider brings about loneliness. We were both in love with each other and this love helped to give meaning to our lives. We were both in communion. We created a bond that we thought could not be broken. But the bond of love was been broken. We spent many months trying to recover from the situation. When memories of the days we spent together in the canteen and in the gymnasium refused to be overcome, I felt very lonely indeed.

Another factor that can bring about loneliness is man’s desire to belong. One may ask, when I find myself in a crowd of thousands of people, am I happy? To answer this, let us first define happiness. To be happy is to exist authentically, to exist as a man of relationship, to belong in a society, lives in loving and caring. When one is in a crowd, can he be lonely? Yes, when he is a stranger in it. This is because man by nature desires to belong. As previously stated, man is a creature who is rational, emotional, and in need of being in communion. Belonging to a group or a community is a humble start to being in communion. What happens when one does not belong? One feels definitely lonely. What follows is my own experience of loneliness because of not belonging.

In grade six, I was transferred from one section to another section. This meant having new classmates, although a few from my original class had been transferred along with me. There came a long period of adjustment. I felt that I did not belong in the group. An incident occurred that seemed to prove this. My classmates were engaged in a taga-tagaanay game. I wanted to join but they would not allow me. I asked why and they said that they simply did not want me to joining them. I felt so lonely! I stopped participating in class activities. I did not feel that I was part of the class. I wanted to fly away from them. I left after graduation. I enrolled in another school and there I found happiness and meaning in my high school life. Upon reflection, after our lessons in Philosophical Psychology, I believe that what I did was wrong. I flew away from insight. I flew away from the truth about myself. I did not ask myself why my classmates rejected me. Maybe it was something I said? Maybe it was my attitude? I still remain puzzled. I moved to a new school and left the truth in my old school. Until now I am still haunted by the incident of that afternoon game. I am in college now but I can still feel that loneliness within me, gripping me as it did that long time ago.. This concrete example illustrates the intense need of man to feel he belongs in the group he is with. If this need cannot be satisfied the feeling of loneliness comes in.

The next factor will bring us to my experience inside the seminary. This factor is giving meaning to one’s life. Loss of meaning can be due to many reasons. Among these is discontentment in life. During my years in the seminary, I have seen many of my co-collegians leave. I had asked them why and they said that staying had lost its meaning. They wanted to experience life outside. In other words they felt loneliness. This type of loneliness is easy to figure out because it manifests itself in one’s personality and behavior. Although they seemed to be happy, smiling gaily and enjoying themselves, but deep inside them they felt emptiness. They yearned for freedom and independence. They felt lonely and wanted to leave the seminary. It was not that they were ‘bad guys’; on the contrary they were just honest enough to express their dissatisfactions and desire to discover their lives outside the walls. And when I see them now, I sense contentment and happiness. Victor Frankl wrote a book entitled Man’s Search for Meaning. In the book he showed the terrors of the holocaust and how these affected the lives of the Jews imprisoned in the concentration camps. The people lost their meaning in living. They were lonely inside because they were not certain of the situation of their family members and loved ones. Their last resort was to kill themselves, to put an end to their lives and eliminate the feeling of loneliness. This is again a situation of flying away from insight, flying away from the truth.

The last and final factor that creates a feeling of loneliness is man’s living an inauthentic self. Before further elaboration, let us first answer the question, how is it to live an authentic self. The word itself is self explanatory; it means to live with a self true to the others, and also to the self. To live an authentic life is to live within the boundaries of truth regarding the self. An authentic man does not go away from it. He does not wear masks, pretending to be somebody other than himself. Basically it is honesty of the self and to others. Being honest means being aware of one’s self; one’s weaknesses and strengths. Such a man can have an authentic relationship with another. He has no need of masks and aliases; He knows the truth about himself and is secure in this knowledge.

Why do I consider this a factor? It is mainly because I see this in the situation of many people in our society today. People are not always what they appear to be. They try to be rich but in reality are not. They pretend to be somebody that they are not. This can be a cause of loneliness because it is another way of flying away from insight. This creates a damage to the self.

Let me cite the example of a companion in the seminary who had pretended to be a rich family who owned a large piece of land and two cars. All of us seminarians believed him at but later we found out that his family was not rich as he led us to believe. He is now hiding and the authorities are looking for him He owes co-seminarian’s large sum of money. His monthly payments to the seminary and tuition fees for three semesters remain outstanding. How is he feeling now? Is he happy or contented with his life? Or does he feel lonely? I think he is lonely right now. He might pretend to be happy out there but inevitably he is lonely within.

Having given the factors that create loneliness in man, the next question to be answered is: what is it like, this feeling of loneliness? Definitely loneliness is a feeling of emptiness, the feeling that one is lacking something in his life, the feeling that something needs to change and he must it. Loneliness eventually leads to depression if one does not address the problem. Some of this may create a ‘psychosomatic illnesses. Medical science gives us data showing that loneliness and other emotional problems are causes of heart attacks, cancers, and other forms of illnesses. I once made an observation to a friend who had broken up with her boyfriend. She was so lonely that she could neither eat nor sleep. She did not care to talk to other people. She simply wanted to sit and stare. She fell ill. She realized this only after having felt pain in her stomach. She found out that she had developed an ulcer.

In summary, here are four factors that can be the sources of loneliness in man. First by, the breaking of a bond; secondly, man’s desire to belong; thirdly, losing one’s meaning in life, and fourthly living an inauthentic life. Having established the factors another task would be to find out means to survive and overcome loneliness.

Rudolf Otto had said: man is religious by nature. I quote this because I recommend man going back to God, and offering the loneliness that one experiences so that God may lift this burden. Our Lord Jesus Christ had experienced loneliness. This was evidenced by His agony in the garden. What Christ had undergone is a great example to us. He offered all his troubles and burdens to His Father in heaven. He asked God to “take the cup away from Me if it is Your will, but Thy will be done.”

In the last analysis, our feeling of loneliness is a proof that there is something above us that can take this away; and this is Jesus Christ, both human and Divine. This feeling is a feeling to be one with Him, to belong with Him, to find meaning in living with Him, and to be authentic to Him. All the factors causing loneliness would bring us back to our yearning of our hearts.

Hours have passed and he is still standing in the crowd. He pauses and reflects. Now he goes back into his self, deeper and deeper he goes… Then he finds out he is not alone… He has no reason to be lonely because God is with him.

-danielangelolao