The Story of My Frustration

I have been longing to really find time where I can sit and reflect upon my frustrations in life. Indeed I have one, which I will share to you.

I was a seminarian for almost five years. In the seminary, I was trained to be strong, to be flexible and to be dynamic so I could make an impact to other people. Dreaming to become religious priest, my primary aim is to be of service to God through serving other people. I further defined other people as my brothers in the seminary, my classmates in the university, my friends, and the people in my apostolate area.

As I evaluate my self, through their evaluations also, I could rate the service I gave to them as, say, excellent.

Indeed I was really doing well on it. I left many things that I desire so much, I sacrificed events and happenings important to me all because of service, of love and of preaching God’s Good News to the poor and the most abandoned.

Then eventually it came to my mind, one evening while discussing with a confrere. He told me once that among all the many apostolates he underwent; rural and urban mission, establishing GKKs, giving total service to the Church and to her flock, he eventually found out that one thing was missing -his family.

At that moment I was feeling tormented by the frustration that his reflections gave me… I was really frustrated with my Self. I was really good at dealing with people, helping them solve their problems, contributing to their spiritual growth, exercising leadership and camaraderie, I even preached the God I believe in and made myself an instrument of God for them to experience His love, His Plentiful Redemption.

The story in the Gospel where Jesus was asked by a man on how to inherit the Kingdom of God was answered by Christ, Follow me. I followed Christ; I left everything just to follow Him, to follow his examples and virtues, to follow Him in preaching the Kingdom of God.

I left my family, and firmly put my trust on Him for them. My prayers were not focused on myself, my prayers was for my family and others. My search for inner spiritual growth continued and eventually, I decided to leave the formation for a greater good. As I left the formation I also left, like garbage, the wisdom and virtues that I learned from them, from Christ.

I returned to the family I once left. Only to find out that there are many events that happened during my absence. Right now I really feel the urge to do something, to do the things I did in the seminary, the mission, apostolate, and the recollections I handled. But I could not. I feel so frustrated and useless. I could be of help for others but within the zones of my family I could not.

This is the story of me... -The Story of My Frustration…

This blog was originally published in my Multiply account on December 24, 2007 5:54am

www.laokonghuy.multiply.com